Saturday 17 March 2012

Battle Of The Sexes 2

I was so glad when I got so many messages and feed back from the last article "Battle of the sexes". So by popular demand I am doing a conclusion to that.

One of the first things we need to know is that, men are not the way they are because they just want to drive women crazy. They have been trained from childhood to be a certain way. This makes it difficult for them to be as intimate as you want them to be.

Parents of newborn male babies tend to describe their sons as firmer, larger more alert and stronger etc. Parents of new born female babies describe their daughters as adorable, softer, smaller, prettier and more delicate.
They tend to place more demands on little boys , expecting them to be more responsible and take more risks. Boys are pushed to be independent earlier and faster. Parents offer less comfort to boys than girls when the child is frightened or injured, and they give boys greater freedom at an earlier age. Boys are encouraged to control their emotions and are told that it is not manly to feel strong emotions. Not only are those emotions considered  "weak" such as fear or sadness, but even passion and intense love. Boys are taught that only a narrow range of emotions can be expressed to show their masculine strengths and authority like being competitive, aggressive, angry, defensive, and feelings associated with being in control. As they grow older sexual feelings are added to the list. Weakness, fear, vulnerability, tenderness, compassion and sensuality are allowed only to the   Girls and women, so that a boy who exhibits such traits is likely to be made fun of and called a "wimp".

We are in constant battle between the way men have been taught and the way women want or ask them to be e.g men are taught to be defensive and suspicious, hide their emotions, strong and unconquerable, stay in control but women want them to be trusting and open, show their emotions, express their vulnerability, master the inner world and express intense romance. So you see that most of the major problems are as a result of women telling men that the characteristics they have worked hard to cultivate all their lives are the very ones that drive women crazy and turn them off. And the characteristics they really want to see the men develop are the ones they have been taught to see as "weak" and "feminine". When you think about this, it becomes easier for women to understand why men seem to resist anything that will make them feel they are not in control.
I can assure you that most times men actually want to open up, to learn to feel deeply and express those feelings to the women they love. But to them the process is a bit difficult because of the way most of them grew up.

1. The men in your life need all of the compassion, patience and support you can find in your heart, to help them open theirs.
2. Part of improving your relationship with a man, whether it's your husband, boss, father or brother etc it is not just understanding his behaviour but also taking an honest look at your own behaviour as well.
3. Believe it or not, you may be bringing out the worst in the man you love by the way you behave around them.
4. He needs a wife and a lover, not a mother, so stop treating him like a kid who does not have brains.
5. Don't scold or correct him in public
6. Even when he is wrong, talk to him nicely but at the same time make him believe it was his bright idea that solved the equation, a confident man will not be afraid to admit that his woman is intelligent.
7. Stop acting over helpful by doing things that men would naturally rather do by themselves.
8. Stop thinking you will become indispensable when you make the man depend on you.
9. My mother will kill me for this but i think pet names or abbreviations are better from my point of view than calling your husband "daddy".
10. Mind your language especially when you are upset. You may think men forget hurtful words easily. That is a huge lie, they remember everything you say that is capable of damaging their ego and self esteem.
11. Do not use phrases like "I thought you were this but now I know better", rather try saying "sometimes I am hurt when you say this or do this, it worries me".
12. You cannot change a man who is set in his ways but your attitude and the atmosphere you create around him can do the magic.
13. When he is going through a difficult time with work and his abilities to accomplish, he will definitely not be in the right frame of mind to focus his attention on relationship issues.
14. Even when you are having issues and arguments with your husband, there are three things you should never deprive him of (food, shelter and sex).
15. Your husband feels extremely rejected when you reject his sexual advances, especially when there is no physical or spiritual justification.
16. Men like their wives to also initiate sex, it makes them feel wanted.

I sat down with some of my male friends as usual to get their perspectives on different issues. Then I asked them what their major turn offs in women were, and so i  thought to share this with the women.
1. Unshaved under arms
2. Bad breath
3. Moustache
4. Constant bad hair days
5. Body odour
6. Flags
7. Chipped and peeling nail polish
8. Excessive clinging
9. Wearing tent dresses around the house
10. Nags
11. Loud mouths
12. Too much make up

Having said all these, there are basic things we can do to understand and communicate with our Men better, so we can have better relationships.
Men communicate best when they have focus for the conversation. Due to the fact that they are goal oriented, they tend to feel most comfortable operating within boundaries that they know about in advance. Your man would like to know what the purpose of the discussion is and what you want from him. This gives him the sense that he knows what he is doing when he is talking to you.

Give him an agenda. Tell him exactly what you would like to talk about, what you hope to accomplish and what you expect from him. For example, instead of saying "honey I think we should talk about our relationship" which will make him think there is something you want him to figure out, try "honey, we have been together for this long and I think it's great, but I really would like you to tell me what you think our strengths and weaknesses are, and in what direction and pace you hope it will go". This way you will make it seem like he is the one that will determine the direction but you know that you have taken his attention to the area of the conversation you want him to get to without fighting. Sometimes they get frustrated with hints, be direct.

Another mistake women make including me, is thinking aloud and expecting the man to react instantly to every thought and when they don't, we start to feel neglected and accused of not being sensitive enough. We forget sometimes that men are solution oriented; they internalize their thinking process and communicate the end result. Sometimes when your partner is silent, he is not ignoring you. His mind is probably processing the information you gave him and he has to try to get in touch with his feelings. Also remember that men don't really multi task as much as women do because they are just not built that way.

Let him figure out how to say "I am sorry and I love you" by himself, especially if you say yours without expecting to hear it back all the time. Don't start interrogating him as soon as he opens his mouth, give him time to find his way and help hmm relax. Even if you don't agree with him, just let him know you understand his point but you beg to differ so that he too can give you time to lay your cards.

I am not saying you should walk on egg shells around him, I am just saying try not to hurt his ego, just be sensitive towards his feelings when communicating. After all no one forced you to choose and marry him, so carry your cross the best way possible.

Prayer is also the biggest secret to a successful marriage.
Remember that these are just my thoughts and not rules you must live by. 

 Stella's Quote of the day: Find a man who wants to take full responsibility for fixing himself so that you don't have to do it yourself.


  1. Nice! Very well written too.

    First time here and following.

  2. Hello Stella,
    Been reading your articles in PMNews, and I must confess, they are great. I'd love to share some stuff with you via email if you don't mind. My email address is

  3. This comment has been removed by the author.

  4. Hello Stella, first time here and I must add that it was really worth my while. I am so proud of you for three reasons-
    1. for being a strong woman who keeps going against all odds
    2. for being an Asaba woman (yes o, I am proudly an Asaba lady like you.)
    3. for giving hope to the hopeless and voice to the downtrodden in the society.

    I love and appreciate you sis and it would be a great joy to finally meet you some day.

    I am going to follow your blog immediately, kindly return the gesture at

    I have decided to re-post one of your articles about the orphanage business on my blog. I was really touched by it.

  5. ...most importantly, your husband is your partner, but he owns 51% of the shares at least...he is the boss! He'll love you more if he knows EVERYTHING you do with your money and your time....but....don't expect to know his or question it too much....REMEMBER....HE IS YOUR BOSS, OK?

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