Thursday 1 March 2012

When is it enough?

It was 8a.m that morning and i was already dressed in my black dress, black shoes, no make up, my brushed hair in a pony tail. I was heading to yaba for a friend's funeral. She was 35 and beautiful, a mother of two beautiful children. Really did not want to go because I was not sure of how i was going to react. I was not sure if I could pull myself together. Anyway, I got to the church and it was packed full with people who knew her and who had heard of her. As I approached the church I was already battling with the huge lump in my throat, making sure that i could at least sit through the service. I managed to go inside, then the ushers took me upfront to sit with the family. I saw her mother and siblings who were crying uncontrollably, so I tried to console them while battling with that same lump. I did all I could until the kids walked into the church with the nanny. Oh my goodness, now that lump has melted into liquid so the flood gates flung open and the tears started gushing out. It was not a very pleasant sight as the choir leader could not continue the song.  This is to give you an insight to the kind of person my friend was and the life she lived. She was extremely intelligent, kind, simple and most of all, was so in love with God and His word. Well as I tried to calm down, he walked in. THE HUSBAND. I am sure by now you are thinking I would run to console him since I was very close to her and he knew me. Instead of that I stood up and walked to the other side of the church And sat down. That was  when i knew how much respect I had for the church and the dead.  If I could, I would lock him up in the coffin so he could go with her, after all he put her there in the first place. We had all begged, prayed, complained, reported, and fought, just to get him to stop beating her. I  was tired of seeing the black eye, the swollen face, the bruised arms and the constant headaches. It was so bad that  I had  to tell him that one day he would do something really bad to his wife and end up behind bars. Little did I know that the day in question was fast approaching.  He had beaten her so much for sending  her own money to her mum without telling him, and when she tried to protect herself by pushing him off her, he got infuriated and hit her head on the wall. This time no black eye, no bruise to worry about, she just did not wake up.  When her sister called me in the middle of the night I was not sure whether to cry or get angry or scream. My whole body was shaking and all I could say was " no no no please God no no no please".  I started to feel guilty, "maybe I should have moved her out of there" but then again who am i to move her out of her husband's house when she herself refused to move. It really hurt so much that even as I am writing this I am still crying.  The case was taken to court and was dismissed because according to the courts the evidence was not enough, and so he was discharged and acquitted. In a country where an accurate autopsy cannot be carried out, let alone crime investigation, What do you expect?  She Is dead and gone but the killer is walking freely and as usual he has custody of the children whom he has passed on to his new wife. My heart has been bleeding ever since because I know that this is happening to so many women. Some are still alive today to tell their stories, some are afraid to cry out for help, some cover up when they are asked questions about their black eye, some believe that there is no justice for the abused woman because other cases they have heard of, have always favored the man and lastly some are not alive anymore to speak up. As sad as this is, it is still happening even as I write.   Now it has progressed to acid baths, body mutilation,  and other unthinkable things. In anger, I stormed to the church we all attended and demanded to see the head pastor. When he came out I screamed and yelled and people came into the church to hold me down. Please do not think I disrespect men of God. Oh far from it, infact I respect them so much because without some of them who have mentored me, i would not be the person i am today. Truth of the matter is, my late friend's sister told me that a few days before she died, she had gone to meet the pastor in fear because she had another fight with her husband who told her that he was ready to kill her and nothing would happen to him. He kept saying "na naija we dey o and when you die your dead body no go come prove to the court say na me kill you". My late friend then called her sister to tell her what had happened and that she was going to see the pastor. I asked her sister why pastor? Why not police? The sister laughed and said do you know how many times she tried that? The policeman she met on duty laughed and said "madam na domestic matter be dis abeg, husband and wife must fight, go beg your husband". When her husband found out he laughed and asked if she thought she was in America, then he beat her some more for even attempting. So she went to the pastor and told him everything again because that was not the first time she went  to him to complain and ask for help. As usual the pastor said " my daughter, there is nothing God cannot do, please prayer is what you need. Keep praying to God to touch his heart, he will not kill you and he will not harm you. Go back home and maintain peace please, remember that God hates divorce so you cannot leave your home and children". She left there feeling so dejected and scared, and so she called her sister and told her all the pastor had said. I tried to think about what could have been going on in her head everyday of her life thinking that there is no SAFE HAVEN. The man who swore to love and protect you is the one who is killing you, the parents who gave you to him in marriage will tell you not to leave your home because it is not a family trait and it will bring shame upon the family, you are too ashamed to even let people know you are going through domestic violence for fear of being stigmatized, you are not protected by law enforcement agents nor the law because some of them do the same thing to their wives, then the only place which is the house of God also tells you to go back to the place where you are being destroyed. My heart broke and that was when I cried the most because no one knows what she could have gone through alone. So I looked at this pastor and said I hope you are happy now, I hope you are satisfied that she listened to you and got killed in the process.  I am not saying I support separation or women running out of their homes, but I insist that there must be temporary measures to take the woman to a safe place until things can be resolved. She has to at least be alive first before any reconciliation or anything can even take place. My question today is, what does the church do in cases like this? Is it saying that because of doctrines women should remain there and die? Is it saying that apart from prayer there is no other way to help? I poured out my heart to the pastor and asked him a question directly without any apologies, "if your daughter came to you, bruised everyday, threatened and battered, would you tell her to go back there and pray? What if she does and gets killed? What would your reaction be? Will you be able to live with yourself?  Then I calmed down and said God bless you pastor and thank you, I hope this means she will go to heaven. He could not say a word to me so I walked out. Call this ranting, lamenting, disrespectful, but one thing is for sure. We need answers, we need to shout it out loud, we need to educate women and let them know they can cry out for help. I can't stress this enough,  if you are going through any form of violence especially domestic violence, you can get help. Please don't die for nothing. Make that call to project alert now  01 4737270, 08052004698 or send an email to, log on to their website Enough is enough,  the time to act is now. Say no to Domestic violence. Dedicated to all the women who have lost their lives through domestic violence.  May their souls rest in perfect peace.


  1. Hi stella though its painful...i quite agree wit U̶̲̥̅̊ that some pastors a̶̲̥̅̊я̲̅ε̲̣̣̣̥ selfish..but w̶̲̥̅Ƹ must forget that there is little or nothing the pastor can do because he cant ask the woman τ̲̅ȍ leave the man house..because i̶̲̥̅̊n̶̲̥̅̊ some cases the heartless man W̶̲̥̅̊Ȋ̝̊̅L̳̿ come and warn the pastor τ̲̅ȍ leave his home alone...what w̶̲̥̅Ƹ need is proper legislation that protects the rights of women and girl child,the police have proven themselves τ̲̅ȍ be failures...what w̶̲̥̅Ƹ need is proper enlightement for the girl child...that is forced τ̲̅ȍ marry a man because of poverty...

  2. I read this on PM NEWS SITE but i couldn't comment,i think it's the network,thank God i found your blog.
    It's so Touchy and painful that an African Woman died that way and it saddens me that she's a Christain.
    I believe many many women,infact thousands/millions of them are going through this in their marriage around the world at this present time and i also believe men too are going through this.
    Am so CURIOUS now,
    I wanna know,why is this (Domestic Violence)happening?
    As a guy in my twenties,i observe that many children/youth are scared of going into Marriage because of what they see in the Marriage they from or others,my question is,will this not strengthen Homosexualism,Gayism,Lesbianism?
    As to your question Aunty, the CHURCH can only knot the tie,the CHURCH don't and can't loose it because God Hates DIVORCE,what the Church can do is to Councel and Resolve issues and this depend on the Pastor's Gift,The church and it's doctrines and The couples themselves.
    I said earlier that it saddens me,that that woman who died is a CHRISTIAN any i asked why is this happening.
    To my own little knowledge,the reason why all this problem is happening(Domestic Violence) is because most Man and Woman are not meant for each other,i mean they pick the wrong bone of their bone and flesh of their flesh,they picked the wrong spouse/partner in life.
    Please correct me,if am wrong.please!
    Am sad because most CHURCH don't councel,train,guide,teach and show the youth,how to get the right partner in marriage and
    Am also sad that many FAMILIES don't do that anymore too,they don't,they just want you to be in Marriage and have children,that's all!
    Please,Aunty Stella please,i would suggest you help the youth most especially the Ladies who are not in Marriage yet,please help them with the informations on how to get the right partner,i believe this will reduce,if not eradicate Domestic Violence in Marriage.
    If a Man is with the right Woman,they will overcome their marital problems together because they fit and are meant for each other.
    Congratulations You Are Now at the top - Women4Africa

  3. Very sad story. Sad she isn't alive to tell her story to the world.Well i am slowly coming to believe that the world is filled with so much hypocrisy. It is very hard to even believe anything being said or if rules are actually worth following. That being said i encourage women who are going through violence to speak up. If you can't speak up, kindly leave the marriage. Marriage is not by force and forget the whole talk of it is not good to divorce. Is it not better to get divorced than die? People need to start being realistic in this day and time. Times are changing and people are getting more greedy. For the Pastors, it is high time Nigerians knew most of the pastors are hypocrites. Very intelligent question you asked the Pastor. What if it were his kids? To anyone reading this, going through domestic violence, it will probably not get better if you don't stand up and leave. Get your happy on.

  4. Top killers of women in naija;- 1)Domestic violence 2)heart attack(HBP) 3)childbirth 4)cancer. Taking it from d bottom. 4)can be prevented or cured by living healthy and early detection. 3) Is somtin that boggles my mind. With all d medical advancements in d world today plus d number of doctors produced each year, why is maternal mortality still a high risk factor in dis country? 2) is as a result of carrying/bothering our heads/minds with unnecessary issues, people and factors. Let us learn to be nuclear, if it doesn't affect your immediate family and urself then try ur best to help. If not MIND UR BUSINESS! If u can't help/change it let it be. No 1...... Young girls, pls pls pls, eff what society says should be done for/in marriage. Pls Just do what is right, in fact do what u feel is right. Look very well before u decide ti say "i do". If by happenstance u discover u r married to a Jeffery dahmer clone, for d love of God! Divorce d bastard or just RUN! Save your life. If anybody comes yapping and telling u how u coulda changed him as his wife, only if you had stayed with him, look d person straight in the eye and ask him/her to "french kiss Ur alive ass". Cause these same people that will stigmatize u in life, will also blame you in death. Let's be wise and take control of our lives and that of our children. this is a piece i wrote last year.

  5. This is so sad.....shouldn't there be a law of some sort specifically for the protection of women in danger of losing their lives through domestic violence?

    At least Project Alert is doing something. Women really do need to look out for themselves.

  6. It is easy to blame the man. I blame him too. I'd rather just file for divorce than kill her. Women ask for too much with regards to gender equality. God made it clear on who heads a family. Women need to understand it and play the game very well. Many women that get beaten up may have attempted to fight her must NEVER do that. As long as we keep promoting the ideology of: what a man can do, a woman can do better....THERE will be a lot of problems, because many women will take it literally, misunderstand it and try to implement it in their homes. The only reasonable definition of LOVE or MARRIAGE is SACRIFICE...and the women have to learn it more after just can't be the HEAD!!!

  7. very very good question. I wonder who is the voice for nigerians who are abused..either physically, verbally or emotionally. in Nigeria thee is no safe is really sad that police do not know how to handle these situations..that the culture of the man is always right has eaten deep into their mentality. even women do not protect women. i feel this way for women that have been is so painful because i want to protect them from..some nigerians are living with so much pain because there is noone they can run to for shelter not even the church..the land of judgement. God help us all