Wednesday 25 July 2012

Sorting 'YOU' out first Part 2

First of all you reject him in the bedroom and when he travels for work or  a retreat or seminar and he meets a lady that is willing to give it to him at any point in time ,after a long time of rejection, one day they will eventually give in to temptation.  If he is  looking for a woman that would turn his brain around and you were once that woman before you got married, why don't you continue to be that woman for him, be his personal dancer if you have to, be his dress up girl if you have to, because you were willing to do all these things when you wanted him to like you, you wanted to impress him so he can marry you. You were willing to do just about anything to get him for yourself because you knew that there was a lot of competition amongst single girls especially if the guy was worth it in the first place. Then you finally get him, he becomes your husband, you have children for him and all that dies and you don't think there's a problem? You don't think that there are a million and one girls who would do anything to get his attention. And then one day the man comes home and tells you " I want to leave for a while, I need to clear my head, or even as extreme as I want a divorce", and you don't understand the issues that he's facing.

You push him out there when you refuse him, you push him out there when you spend everyday of your life doing other things that are not half as important as the way your husband feels.  Trust me, when it comes to the point were your husband doesn't even have time to spend with you because you are either always in the church, in the kitchen, at fellowship and other places, then the floodgates of problems will be thrown open . No Pastor would even advice you to be away from your husband, they would rather tell you to spend sometime with your husband. Better still, be friends with him so that he would want to attend some of these programs with you. Be your husbands friend, have a bond with him. If not what are you coming to the house of God to pretend about when the institution that  he gave you to manage is falling apart and you are using him as an excuse.
Then the children, you give them all your attention and time. Good! As a good mother you must give your children enough attention and time but not to the point were your husband becomes an outsider. A lot of women don't realize that men start to breed resentment in their heart for their children, after a while they start to feel like they are in competition with their children because they don't get anytime at all with their wives. Eventually, some start to regret and say " before these children came along my wife was my own, they are here now, I can't touch her, I can't do anything with her, i can't even ask her to spend time with me". Some women can be paranoid, even I myself can be very paranoid when it comes to my children but at the end of the day it is important to make sure that that relationship with your husband is there.

So I've talked about rejection when it comes to physical contact with your husband,
 I've talked about using church as an excuse for women who carry church on their head and feel like they are holier than thou,
I've talked about using the children as an excuse not to spend time with their husbands.
Another point is  women just feel that when they get to a certain age, or start having kids, their look must depict that they are GRANNIES.  If you know Stella very well, you would know that I don't dress vulgar or expose my body so I'm not an advocate for indecent dressing but I'm saying you can look good as a wife in the house.
Some women do their best to look good when they are going to the office so they can impress their boss, look professional and look the part. Now the same way you have a profession that you have to dress up for, I'm sorry to tell you, but you also have a profession that you have to dress up for in your home. It doesn't mean you should wear a skirt suit or evening gown, it means that you would look good in your home because first of all you have children that would grow up  to sit and chat with their spouses or friends of how their mum used to dress well, in the house, when she's going out, on Sunday's  and they would proudly say; that's where I got my dress sense from.
 Now apart from the kids, what about  your husband? He wants to look forward to something when he's coming back home, he wants to see you on a saturday after doing the house chores or cleaning up, you've taken a bath, your smelling nice and looking good. You don't have to dress like your going out but wear something nice that he can look at and say Wow, this woman is still as beautiful as ever.

Truth is if you take your husband for granted you will loose him, emotionally, spiritually and  most of the time physically. When you feel like you have to impress people that you work with, are they more important than your husband?  I'm being honest here because sometimes we do these articles, we talk as women and it's as if we are castigating the men alone but this time I have to talk to the women because a lot of women have come with different issues, " I'm divorced,  my husband is fighting me, he's seeing someone else". Most of the time I say oh that's  not right, he shouldn't be cheating on you but the first thing I always ask is, what really happened? What has been going on? Have you been doing the things you are supposed to do as a wife? It is only when you know that you have done all you possibly can to please the man, emotionally, physically, and any other way, then you know that the man's problem is greed, but not for some women who feel that Monday to Friday is to dress well then saturday you look haggard, you spend half of the day cooking you don't even bother to take a bath, then you jump to cleaning for the remaining half of the day. If you have to do these things that day, when you are done with one, take a bath, smell and look good. I'm not saying go out of your way to wear heavy makeup and heavy jewelery, just look nice. It won't be a bad idea if one Saturday after cooking and cleaning you take a bath, smell nice, do something different with your hair, look good then your husband will ask you " honey are you going out?"  and you just tell him that you are dressing up for him to be happy. If you do that for him once in a while, dress up nicely put a nice note beside him, whisper something sweet into his ears or if your busy in the kitchen or your cleaning, you have a phone, send him a text message just to remind him that you love him. That will instantly put a smile on his face even if it's just for two seconds, the fact that you can do that and you are in the same house would make him feel special. Some men would smile and reply your text while others will actually walk to kitchen and give you a hug or tease you asking if there's something you want and you'll both laugh it off. Make him feel special.

Sometimes we make it seem like men are mean, wicked, they are all cheats. I know that some men would tell you they like variety, they can't do without having somebody but not all men are bad. If the man was a bad person, why did you marry him in the first place? You must have seen good qualities that you liked before you married him and even stayed until you started having children. Meaning that he was a good husband to you till the point that you gave him children because if he was a bad husband after the first child you would stop, but now you have 2 or 3 children, meaning that you stayed for a reason. So if you know that there was a time in your life that this man was like this, what could have changed him? His environment is what changed him,from what he sees at work, to his home, his upbringing, those things change him so no matter how he is, if his immediate family and environment is conducive then he would stay and be happy but if  it isn't, he would be uncomfortable, he might not say anything at first but with time as it gets worse, things would begin to push him away. Truth is a woman has the power to make her husband the best he can be, but its for us to learn and understand. You need to understand how a man's mind works before you open your mouth and start talking. Even when it comes to making demands, there is a way you  can make the decisions but make him feel like he made the decision. You can do things and say things but still let him know that you respect him. You cannot afford to reject him, there are something's that you used to do or that you can learn just to make him happy.  When it comes to keeping the home, we all agree that the man is the head of the house but what we need to understand is that,  the woman is the neck down, which makes her the body. You have to make sure that your head stays on your body. If you drive your head to another body, then you'll be headless, you are lost and it's painful.
I have experienced a lot of things so trust me it's not sweet to be without a head, some women like it, they enjoy their freedom but it really isn't a good thing especially when you have children. So if you know that you want to keep your home, make sure that on your own end you have done what is right by your marriage. Let it be that the issue is solely and totally from him. If you lie to  people about what caused the issue, you cannot lie to yourself and God. Don't nag, don't reject him, don't deprive him of his conjugal rights because like it or not your body doesn't belong to you alone as a married man or woman. You can't reject your partner, you cannot use your children as an excuse not to spend time with your partner, you spend all your time at work, you come home, lay on the bed and in a matter of minutes you are snoring away. You can't do that because one day he would find someone that goes to work but still has time for him  to make him feel special. Why would he then want to be with you, when there's someone out there that can make him happy, give him peace, put a smile on his face and make him feel like a real man. Everyman wants feel like a real man, loved, respected, cared for and hot, even when his potbelly is touching the floor, he wants his wife to make him feel like he's the sexiest man alive and if you signed up for that marriage and you decided of all the men this is the one you want to be with, you had better start playing your part, making sure that your marriage is as sweet as can be. Remember that as I am speaking to you out there I am also speaking to myself.

 I cant remember any time when my parents fought. I knew that as a couple they had arguments but  I always noticed something. Whenever there was tension they would go into the room and they would try to make sure we don't hear anything. By the time they come out of the room they come out teasing themselves but you don't see them exchanging words in front of us, they never did that and that's one thing that I tried to learn, that no matter how bad it is you can't start exchanging words, throwing things, hitting each other in front of your children. Thats the wrongest thing and that is why boys that grew up in homes like that believe that it is ok to hit women because their fathers are their first role models. Some mothers would tell their daughters that it is okay for men to beat their wives here in Africa but that is total nonsense. So I blame parents for the way their children turn out because if they didn't grow up seeing certain things, they wouldn't do them.

The truth of the matter is that no matter what is going on around you or in your home, as a woman you would not be happy with yourself if you wake up everyday knowing that you were partially the cause of the issues in your home. So let's be honest with ourselves as women, don't reject your husband, he owns your body too, if you don't like it then you shouldn't be a married woman. Don't nag, don't choke him, don't use your children as an excuse not to spend time with him. Don't let church events and services make you neglect your home and the responsibilities that you promised God in front of the Pastor and people that you would keep no matter what. Don't use headache as an excuse, that's over played . Don't use tiredness as an excuse, because by the time he gets used to the attention from someone else who is not too busy for him, he'll get addicted to that person because trust me, attention is addictive. So when he gets used to that and he's no longer bugging you, you begin to feel like he finally understands you and no longer disturbs you at night, think twice, someone else is giving him that attention.

So if you love your husband and your marriage, don't take him for granted. Be the woman that you are supposed to be, be that best friend he's looking for, that partner, that girlfriend, be everything he's looking for. Don't become just his mother. If he needs a dancer, a dress up girl, if he wants some that would tell him sweet things, thats your job, do it. If he likes being told that he's handsome, tell him. If he likes for you to make the move once in a while, do it. So let's stop complaining, first thing we should do is try and mend it, dress nicely for him, make him feel special, create time for him intentionally, make your end right first before you start to complain about his own. So whatever happens before you apportion blame to the man, as a woman, check yourself first, if you lie to the world you can't lie to yourself and to God.

Stella's Quote of the day : Talk to the man in the mirror and make that change.

Monday 23 July 2012

Sorting 'YOU' out first

A friend of mine that i hadnt seen in ages called me one day and invited me to her place for lunch. Im really not one to go out a lot but i hadnt seen her in a while so i took up the offer. When i walked into the place i was shocked because what i  thought was going to be a one on one lunch turned out to be what people would call a ' get-together'. I was a bit skeptical about staying too Long but I eventually did and I enjoyed every minute of it especially because of the movie we watched.

The storyline was about a man who was married to a beautiful woman, they had lived together for a while, they had 3 children and everything seemed perfect but after a while the guy started cheating on his wife. The woman found out eventually and she was so unhappy and distrut, she confronted him and asked why he would do that to her.
Obviously the man started apologizing but after a while he stood up and said 'you know what, maybe I'm not sorry. I know that i did something wrong, as a Christian I shouldn't have done that because I have offended God, I'm  begging God to forgive me but the truth is, you pushed me to it! You stopped being you, the woman that I married, you became a mother, you lost everything, the passion and the romance. I'm truly sorry, I work so hard, I travel all over and I found someone who gave me excitement. Yes, in my my moment of passion I messed it up and sinned but the truth is there was just this void that needed to be filled and I got tempted and I fell, I'm sorry.' After the long speech she was still pissed , she told him that he couldn't cheat on her, she had given him her everything; she had given him her life, her years, she had lost her identity and the man was shocked and then he shouted 'who asked you to loose your identity?'

When the movie ended, there was an argument as usual because some people were for and against the story, especially the ladies. They were all going on about how she left her family, married the man, managed the home, taught and took care of the kids, and she barely had time to herself, to be a perfect wife and a perfect mother you can't do anything else with your life because those are two very tasking jobs, so he had no right to cheat on her. What made them even angrier was that she shouldn't have forgiven him and then the men started, they defended themselves by saying 'how can you say that, it was very clear that the she pushed him. If she didn't loose the passion and romance would he have had to go out of his home to get some?' and the argument went on and on.

Now we can look at this issue from both ways. As a woman I know you would expect me to say he cheated, he's the one to blame, he can't have a relationship with another woman outside when he has a very
very beautiful wife sitting at home, and she has kids who she's taking care of, she's also taking care of his needs, making sure everything is on point so he has nothing to complain about and then he goes and cheats on her but the truth is he's human. Don't get me wrong, I'm not encouraging unfaithfulness but as women, the first thing that we try to do to please everybody is try to loose our identity and that's the first and biggest mistake that women all over the world make. A man meets you, you look good, you are intelligent, you're exciting, you have a lot of romance and passion and then you get married and start to have children and all of a sudden you forget the whole essence of marriage becuase you want to be the perfect mother, wife and you want everyone to be pleased, but the truth is you can't please the whole world. You must take care of your family but not to the point were you would loose yourself, your identity, loose the passion and the romance.

This is directed to the woman, I won't lie, truth is  we push the men. I know that every man should have self control, I preach that a lot, every man should know that he must be faithful to his wife but then again what are you giving the man at home? All of a sudden you become a missionary mother, yes you can pray and read your bible but God also says that the marriage is his institution it is more important than any other thing. It is more important than even your own family, as painful as it sounds that's the truth! There's a portion in the bible that says  just do right by your marriage before you can come and say you want to serve God. God would have you as a married woman, make sure that your marriage is fixed before you come to him and say I'm coming to serve God.

I have heard a lot of stories in the past of how men come to church and hate the whole idea of worshipping God becuase their wives no longer have time for them at all. They would rather spend Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, fellowshipping then Thursday,Friday going to do evangelism, Saturday choir rehearsals and cleaning the church, Sunday going to church for service. What time is left for your family? So already you have made the man feel that he is in competition with your religion meanwhile serving, worshipping and being a child of God is not about you going to church everyday of your life. I'm not saying it's a bad thing but if your husband needs your attention, please give him that attention. You are supposed to be his go-to person. He must be able to know that when he comes back home he's not going to meet a wife who is wearing bubu or tying wrapper on her chest all day. No! He wants to be excited as well, he wants to have passion and romance especially as they grow older they require more attention.
Forgive me for saying this but when people say 'you have to start taking care of your husband as if he's a baby' a lot of women misunderstand that statement and start to treat their husbands like they are their sons. It simply means that they need more attention, they need petting, they need you to tell them all those things that they want to hear, they need you to make them feel wanted and special, they need  you to make them feel like they are really loved and cared for. All those things you used to do, all those nice love notes and messages that you used to send that made him feel special, all those times that you would surprise him, all those times that you would be the first one to make the move, it's all gone and I'm wondering why? You can't expect him to be the one to always want to hold our hand or touch you at night. He's your husband! Sometimes they need to feel that they are still sexy, they need to feel like they still look good and are hot enough for a woman.

I hate it when I come out and hear men say my wife is depriving me, she doesn't let me touch her, she always has a headache, she's always busy, she always tired, she says oh honey, I have taken care  of the  children, I did school runs, I cooked, cleaned, did this and that. Oh please, I can't do anything with you tonight and your husband looks at you and says what about me? I go to work, I provide for the family, I go out and do a lot of things as well and I still have time and energy to want to come and be with my wife and touch my wife because like it or not, that is a strong bond between a man and his wife. Once that physical part of your marriage goes, it affects a lot of things. Sex is not everything, yes I agree but if that is absent in your marriage for a long time, it creates a void and unfortunately sometimes men can't hold back as much as women can. It has been proven so many times.
So what I'm saying is if you knew you had issues with that, why file in for marriage when you know that it's for better and for worse. If he cannot come back and want to have physical contact with you his wife, then who do you want him to go to? Those nights that he comes back, looks at you and in his head he's thinking, oh my gosh, i have such a sexy wife, tonight she's going to hear something. If he can't come back, do that and know that you would not respond then why did you marry him? Being Tired should not be an excuse especially when your husband wants that attention from you, then some women would push them away, day 1, day 2, week 1, week 2 then physical contact becomes a routine between man and his wife.

I always tell women that you don't know how painful rejection can be. You try and make a move on your husband and let him hit your hand away and tell you I'm tired, I know that it happens to some women too but more women do it to men than otherwise. If you don't agree please write to me and prove to me
that it's men that reject more because what I find with the research I've been doing and the women I have been talking to is that their husbands come to them and the women reject their husbands with one excuse or the other. The latest  excuse for most women now is headache and then the man would prove to you that according to science physical contact with a man can cure headaches.

Because I don't want write too much I would stop here for now but i'll surely complete this article next week. So before you send in your thoughts and comments please wait for the second part of the article to come out

Index Two Studios - The Alternative & Take The Mic

The Alternative & Take The Mic are two events being organised by Index Two
Studios. This is a production company set up by two of Nigeria's most influential entertainers; Stella Damasus (critically acclaimed actress,producer, entertainer & philanthropist) and Daniel "DaBishop" Ademinokan(internationally acclaimed filmmaker, writer, entertainer & post-production guru).

Index Two Studios is focused on positive driven entertainment, creating content that the family can enjoy, directing people towards positivity...not compromising the highest international standards as regards quality.

Take The Mic is a talent show we set up to encourage young singers in Abuja.  
On the 5th of August interested participants will come and be screened by judges. The songs have to be inspirational or gospel. The top3 people will then perform at the main concert tagged THE ALTERNATIVE!

Date: August 5th 

Venue: Savannah Suites. 8 Faskari Street, Garki, Area 3, Abuja. 

Time: 9am. Doors close by 10am.

Registration is FREE!

The Alternative is a mega musical Gospel concert organised by the musical movement called "ONE HEART, ONE SOUND". This movement was set up by Daniel Ademinokan and the main focus is to lead people in praise and worship. Its a group of young people directing their energy towards the upliftment of God's name. ONE HEART, ONE SOUND is a place where people can express their talents in music, arts, dance, drama, etc.

The Alternative Concert serves as an alternative to clubs, drugs, alcohol,prostitution, violence, hatred, tribalism, etc. This is where we can express ourselves positively without boundaries.

The top 3 at Take The Mic will perform on stage at The Alternative and the audience will vote for the winner.

The winner gets N100,000 cash and afree music video for his/her song that is/will be recorded. I (Stella Damasus) will also be performing on stage.

Date: August 11.

Venue: Sheraton Hotels, Abuja 

Time: 4pm. Gate closes 4:45pm.

Admission is free.

Thursday 5 July 2012


I stumbled on a book that I had read a while ago and I remembered a particular day that I was discussing this book with a group of people in my book club.

A lot of them had issues with the list from the book. Oh by the way the book is called "LISTS TO LIVE BY". It has tips for everyone from success to marriage, to health, to family life, to relationships and so on, very easy to read and quite interesting. Unfortunately most of my club members had issues with some particular tips and argued seriously about them.

I don't believe in judging people or forcing people to accept or believe in my ideologies. So I thought to share some of them with you and hope that you will respond via email and tell me which ones you don't agree with and which ones you accept plus the ones that have helped you one way or the other just so that others can be inspired.

  • It's ok to fail.
  • The only thing that can stop you is you.
  • Ask your boss if you can do more.
  • Never point out errors without offering a solution.
  • Criticize the act, never the person.
  • Never condemn in public.
  • Tackle the challenges you don't want to face first.
  • Discover the dreams of others.
  • Don't avoid unpleasant topics.
  •  Be quick to acknowledge your errors.
  • Laugh at yourself.
  • Move out of your comfort zone.
  • Give people more than they expect.
  •  Don't believe all you hear.
  • When you say "I'm sorry", look the person in the eye.
  • Be engaged at least 6 months before you get married.
  • When someone asks you a question and you don't want to answer, smile and ask "why do you want to know?"
  • Smile while picking up the phone. The caller will hear it in your voice.
  • Read more books and watch less TV.
  • Never interrupt while you are being flattered.
  • Trust in God, but lock your car.
  • Spend your life lifting people up, not putting people down.
  • Don't expect life to be fair.
  • Finish what you start.
  • Do it when you think of it.
  •  Don't write long letters.
  • Realise not everything needs to be done today.
  • Love is about holding your tongue.
  • Look for opportunities to make people feel important.
  • Be the first to say hello.
  • Don't ask your single friends for marital advice.
  • Don't take parental advice from one who has never had one.
  • A man is known by the book he reads.
  • Love means to love that which is unlovable.
  • Never confuse your mistakes with your value as a human being.
  • When traveling give a copy of your itinerary to your family and trusted neighbors.
  • Be willing to listen without offering advice.
  • Everybody has an opinion. Realise early that you won't meet everyone's expectations.
  • Allow children to solve problems on their own before you intervene.
  • People do not grow old. When they cease to grow, then they become old.
  • People only see what they are to see.
  • A man is what he thinks about all day.
  • Do not go where the path my lead, go instead where there is no path and leave a trail.
  • The wise learn many things from their enemies’.
  • It is well for one to know more than he says.
  • The more you have, the more you have to worry about.
  • We all struggle- no one is as confident as he seems.
  • What a person sees in you is sometimes very different from what you think he's seeing.

Let me stop here for now, but like I said earlier I would be grateful if you can point out the specific tips that you don't agree with and let me also know the ones that have worked for you.

Let's share our thoughts and learn from one another. Send your emails to .

Tuesday 3 July 2012

PG part 2

... Now, how many children between the ages of nine and 14 who visit the internet have the strong will power to say, no I am not going into this site because I know it is bad. Let’s be honest, how many of our kids can actually say “it doesn’t matter if I am alone; I am not going into this site.” As far as they are concerned, I’m not doing anything bad, I’m not trying it out with anybody, I am just looking, and it’s easy because they are not paying for the internet, their parents made it available, it is free for them, they can look and once a child goes into such sites it arouses them, it makes them so excited that at any opportunity they have when they are alone, they would try to see more. It is research that has been done and science has proven that once the human mind absorbs things that can do things to the body especially at that age that is new to them and they can’t control the feelings that they are getting, the excitement that is derived from those feelings will drive them to do more.
I am just saying that we should take out time to monitor what our kids are exposed to. Especially those of us that have cable that have parental control that would prevent the kids from watching programs that are above their age, not by leaving them to chance and talking but by doing it yourself and make sure that they don’t have access to some particular channels and programs. Same goes for the internet, it is very important that we monitor the kind of things they are exposed to. If you decide to restrict your children from internet access totally, there’s an alternative means of doing research because laptops now can have different educational applications installed on them for different topics like Math’s, Geography, General Knowledge and so many more just so that you are rest assured that the only things your kids have access to are these applications. Even though I don’t know much about technology now, I have been told that they have created a lot of things for children to protect them from a lot so that you don’t have to be afraid about what they are exposed to.

I’m just advising that we take time out to find out what recent technology is available now that will help our children and prevent them from being exposed to all these things.
 I’m sorry to say this knowing that I might offend a lot of people, but I also do not subscribe to parents giving their children Blackberry Smart phones before they are 15 or 16 because as adults most of us already have issues with the kind of chats we have on BB. It makes people closer to you than necessary, it is so informal and playful that you can send just one emoticon and you are already sending a signal to someone. You can lead someone on and flirt without even realizing what you are doing and it is so fast with Blackberry. If we are going to be honest with ourselves, there are some people on our BB’s that we always press ‘End Chat’ because we don’t want other people to see the kind of conversations we have had with those people even though those conversations are not really bad but the fact that you are allowing someone BB you at certain odd times and use certain words and certain emoticons on you and you find yourself responding because you don’t want to be rude, that in itself as an adult is not that easy to handle on less you are a very strict person , you decide to delete people if you have nothing important to say or you decide not to respond to unimportant messages but our children who are very impressionable and vulnerable at that age, that are ready to explore and have started to come to terms with the changes in their bodies, the feelings that they are getting all of a sudden, the spots in their body that arouse them that they didn’t know before now.

Imagine what they would go through if they have Blackberry’s, all it takes is for them to give their pins to anyone that asks and you don’t have to know. It happens in Church, it happens in school, it happens at the mall, it happens in the cinema, anywhere really. All it takes is for someone to pass a paper to a kid and say cram this number, and we know that kids cram things easily and before you know it they cram the pin, they invite you and you start to talk crap and the next thing you are meeting the person somewhere or in school and we don’t even bother to check what our children go to school with, what they come back with. Some of our children take gadgets to school that they have no business taking there, some of them take extra clothes to school, believe me younger girls are doing this now and younger boys are carrying things that show them pictures that are nude everywhere they go. We just don’t care anymore because we believe that with the money that we have we can afford all these things, we can keep them busy, we can buy them everything that they ask for just so that they can get off our backs so we can have more time to work, then you spend most of your time working and little or no time with your children then we wonder why the children that belong to the rich parents are the ones committing all these offences and crimes. They are not committing these crimes because they need money, they are doing it for experiment, they do it most of the time for attention but the wrong kind of attention and sometimes they do it out of habit because they’ve been doing it since they were kids and nobody noticed and they do it for fun.

So please, my advice is let us all be careful with what we expose our children to, let us know what our children are looking for on the internet, let’s not expose them to Blackberry’s before they are old enough to handle whatever is coming with it. Whatever it is that we can do to help our children and work with them as much as we can, let us try and do it. It is left for us to make sure that the future generations are doing what they are supposed to do. It’s up to us to make sure that the generation coming after us right the wrongs in our society and fix the things that have been destroyed already.

Stella's Quote of the day: If you suspect your teenager is involved in an unhealthy relationship or activity, ask and talk about it. Don’t be afraid to be involved in your child’s life, find out all you can because unwelcome action may prevent unpredictable tragedy.