Wednesday 3 June 2020

Fat? Really?

“I am pregnant.”

These three words are life-changing for everyone involved. It could be good or not so good news but will definitely change lives instantly. All of a sudden, there are thoughts of a new being, new furniture, new room, extra security and safety measures, hospital visits, meal plans, changes in your financial plan, baby shopping, sleep pattern and routine changes, work schedule, growth of the stomach, etc. What I often think about when I see pregnant women is, do they consider the changes that will happen in their bodies after giving birth? Have they thought about what they would do when that time comes? How their new look would affect their daily lives and how to handle what they see in the mirror? What about those who cannot escape the stretch marks that won’t go, no matter what you do (except laser removal)?

When I got pregnant with my first child, I thought about everything else except for handling my new body and reacting to others who saw this new body. When the baby comes and starts to breastfeed, you are happy and comfortable because everyone celebrates you and brings gifts. Your family members are helping you out as much as they can (hopefully). Your husband is doing his best to relieve you of the night duties and give you regular massages. These continue until it gets to a time when the baby is almost one and about to start walking. The jokes and side comments begin to filter in gradually;

You are still big, you have to watch it now,
“You are not eating for two anymore so what is going on?”
“You have to start working out, you know your husband is young and good looking”
“Your child will soon start walking, what is your excuse?”
“When do you intend to get back to your old self?”
“You have to lose the pregnancy fat and be YOU again.”

It gets worse, but I am sure some of you can identify the sarcasm and subtle jabs you get from (primarily) other women. I really didn’t want to give this a name or term so that it doesn’t feel like another campaign or movement. I am more concerned about how it makes people feel than creating a movement that might end up overshadowing what is really important, which is that there are things we should never say to women in that position.
We all know that we are all built-in different ways, with different metabolisms and systems. 
Some of us retain water; some take prescribed medicine that makes them add weight. There are a million and one factors that may cause a woman to lose weight quickly and another to take more time before the weight loss starts to happen visibly. It’s not easy for a woman to go through pregnancy, give birth, breastfeed, and stay up most nights to tend to a child. Don’t forget the postpartum stress disorder that can be more severe for some women. Is there an exact time frame for women to lose all the fat from pregnancy? I am not talking about the stomach now; I mean the whole body that went through significant internal changes.
  • Who decides how long it should take a woman to lose weight after giving birth?
  • Why should a mother be made to feel worse than she already is because of the changes in her physical body?
  • Who says that because she still has some of the weight, she is no longer her true self?
  • Why should we make it seem normal for a man to go out there and cheat because his wife is still bigger than before she got pregnant?
  • When are we going to cut ourselves some slack when it comes to BODY SHAMING?
  • If you really feel a certain type of way about another woman’s post-pregnancy body, then call her and offer to pick her up to come to the gym with you. Do it with her and encourage her. Make it about her health and energy rather than weight.
  • Visit regularly and offer to take walks with her so she can get her heart pumping.
  • Get healthy meals and deliver to her if you cannot do it yourself.
  • Take her to buy groceries and offer to carry the baby while she walks around the store to get what she wants.
  • Ask her to dress up and wear some makeup because you are taking her to lunch. It will help take her mind off, and when she sees people out there, it will encourage her to get back into the swing of things not because of her weight but her work or career.
  • Find ways to get her involved in physical and psychological activities that will help her improve.
  • There are better and more subtle ways of helping her get her energy back, get stronger and healthier than shaming her.
A man once told me that he found his wife sexier and even more desirable after she gave birth. He said her breast were bigger and softer, her buttocks were round and supple, her waist was inviting, and her skin was glowing. He couldn’t get his hands off her. So, the weight gain is not the end of the world; neither does it change who the woman is. Her mind and spirit are still intact. In fact, some women get into another phase of life after childbirth. This phase becomes their more intelligent, more patient, understanding, more nurturing, and better-analyzing phase.
Give her time to deal with the physical changes, emotional roller coasters, psychological issues, and hormonal imbalance that come with childbirth before you begin to take shots at her because of the weight.

My mother is the type of friend I want around me in times like that. She loved my look after childbirth and told me every day how proud she was of me. I told her that I didn’t like the fact that I was FAT and couldn’t wait to get back to my skinny self. She was very upset that I used the word FAT. According to her, “when a woman adds weight during pregnancy and gives birth, we don’t ever call it FAT, we say she has filled out in the right places and is a beautiful mother. Your journey to womanhood is complete, and this is the sign”.

I asked her if it was just an African thing, and she said NO then reminded me of the power and strength of the African woman. She made me feel like I was even more beautiful than before the pregnancy. That boosted my confidence, and I noticed that I started to carry myself better and smarter. I ended up looking and acting sexier for my husband, who also noticed that difference, which he totally loved.

After a while, it felt like my body began to shrink and shed off the weight by itself. All I did was try to be active at any opportunity. I would go to the market with my baby strapped to my chest, go to church, take walks, dance for an hour, etc. I didn’t have to do anything out of the ordinary to make me lose weight. It was the love, care, encouragement, confidence, and smart choices that helped me lose the weight and not the criticisms. I didn’t even know how much weight I had lost until my old clothes started to fit perfectly again.

Body Shaming does more harm than good, especially from a woman to another woman.

Friday 4 October 2019


My son came home with a letter from school for a family day event that was supposed to take place in his classroom. Unfortunately, neither my husband nor I could attend because we had to work that day. So we sent my oldest daughter Isabel, who is 20 years old, to represent us.
Isabel agreed to go even though she had a meeting with a prospective client, who wanted her to be their official photographer, later that day.

I was already home before she got back and immediately she walked in I started smiling because she looked so beautiful, and classy. As usual, she didn't understand why I reacted that way, because she didn't think there was anything spectacular about the way she looked. I told her that I was so proud of her and loved the fact that she represented our family well.

When I was done talking she had this look on her face and then said "I was wondering why a lot of people were starring at me in David's school, I guess it could be because of the way I am dressed" She told me that some students who were the most popular in my son's class, asked her more than two times if she was his sister. When she got into the classroom for the actual event, these same students kept talking to her, and wanted her to stand by their table anytime she went by them. I laughed so hard.

A few hours later, my son returned home happier than ever and started telling us how those kids who didn't want to be friends with him before, were flocking around him. He said that after Isabel left, they all came and started asking him about her, his home, family, where we were from, and so on. Questions they didn't bother to ask him before. His ego was boosted, he gained more clout than he ever had, and it was all because his sister came to school looking like a classy babe.

My Mother and Her Colleagues 
Immediately my mind went back to the time I was in a primary school in Nigeria, Benin City, to be precise. My parents were both bank managers at the time. My mother always wore the most beautiful skirt suits I had ever seen; her hair was so long and thick, her makeup was never too little and never too much. She was my inspiration, and what we now call woman crush. I admired her so much that I would stare at her and smile as she got ready for work.

My Mother

Whenever our parents were asked to come to school for meetings, my dad was always present. However, on special occasions, I would ask my mum to come dressed in her formal outfits. I did this because most people were used to seeing fathers dressed formally, but not a lot of them had educated mothers who worked in a bank, let alone manage it. So when my dad came in, it was normal. But when my mother came, it was something spectacular. I had so many people ask me where she worked if she was Nigerian if they could visit me or even greet her, and this gave me such a confidence boost.

People started looking at me with fresh eyes and respect. They began to imagine what growing up with a mum like her, would be. I didn't know how this affected my classmates until they started telling me they wished they lived in my house and had a mum like mine, who would make them proud.

My mother asked me why I specifically told her to wear very nice outfits for my school events, and I explained the effect it had on other students, and how people respected me more. She wanted to be sure we were not just being silly and vain. So I made her understand that it was not only about the looks, but what it meant to see a woman looking like the BOSS, which could help us as kids to avoid bullying. The fact that people gave you more respect because they saw a well-put-together family; was enough to provide you with the confidence you needed to hold your head up.

Fast forward to 2019, and this still has the same effect on our kids in school. So while some of us may see this as trivial and unnecessary, we have to consider how it makes our children feel when they are at a certain age. I have seen mothers attend school activities in their sweatshirts, hair nets, etc. I am not saying that there is anything wrong with dressing comfortably, but we also have to consider what our kids and their friends see WHEN THEY SEE US.

Friday 11 January 2019


Let me be honest, when I came up with this title I laughed my head off. I can imagine the look on your face the moment you read the title. I know most of you would wonder if I am referring to myself, or just in general.


Well, I am going to tell you a story of how my mind worked as a young lady, and you don't have to wonder anymore. I am referring to myself in regards to the title. If you are female, I hope you will also refer to your VAJAYJAY as a DIAMOND by the time you are done reading this.

At a young age, I was already a household name especially in Nigeria my country. I had access to places, people and some measure of influence, so it was not difficult to meet the high and mighty. As an entertainer, you feel the need to keep up appearances and live the life of glamor and riches, but how many of us can truly afford that?

When I was a single young lady, there was a period in my life where I was not religious or born again. I was not going to church or studying the Bible, in fact, I just loved God in my heart and that was it. At that time, I didn't do anything or make decisions because of religion or Christianity. I didn't really have time for all that spiritual crap.

I attended an event organized by someone I really respected and admired, it was a great party with a lot of influential and rich people. I walked to the snack table to grab something to eat, and this tall good looking guy came and asked if he could make me a plate. I said YES, and he made the plate, gave it to me and took me to sit down. We had a good conversation and then he asked for my number and in all honesty, I didn't think anything of it so I gave it to him.

We would chat, exchange text messages and laugh. So in my head, I believed I had found a friend and to be honest with you, I would not have objected to anything that could be more than just friendship if he asked.

After about a month he invited me to the BOAT CLUB somewhere in IKOYI Lagos. I got there and met him with some of his friends, and some other girls. These girls looked so expensive and glamorous, their skin looked like they spent a fortune on foreign skin products. I looked at their shoes, bags, nails and I immediately knew that these girls were spending the kind of money I only heard about in the movies. Needless to say that even as the celebrity among them, I felt so small and almost invisible.

I sat next to him and we started chatting, but the conversation quickly took a different turn. He suggested that I go with him to his guest house not far from the club. For some reason I was not comfortable with that, so I asked him why he didn't just invite me to his guest house instead. He smiled and said he wanted his friends to see me because he had been telling them about me. When I looked at his friends, there was something about the way they looked at me. It was like a hungry man looking at a burger. I told him I didn't think it was a good idea, and that was when I noticed that his ring finger had a very fresh mark that signified that he was married, but just took the ring off.

After that, he said he just wanted to officially make me his "baby" and take care of me. He told me how he would buy me a house, a BMW and give me a monthly allowance of a million Naira. It was a crazy amount of money because this was over two decades ago.

Trust me this was too good to be true, and there was no way anyone at that time would pass up on that, so I got excited and started picturing myself as a homeowner who would travel the world on a shopping spree. My day-dreaming immediately stopped when I remembered that my mother taught me to ask questions, especially when things seemed too good to be true. I asked him what I would have to do in return for all that he was proposing, then he held my hand and said "all you have to do is be an obedient and faithful baby girl to me and you will be fine"

I asked him what it would entail because I was not sure I understood what he meant. So he pulled me closer and in a low voice, he said "Look, you are mature enough to understand. If you promise to satisfy my sexual needs and be quiet about it, then you will be getting money in your account every month. I will even give you more if you make me happier by doing some things I like".

I was so angry I knocked his hand off mine and asked him why he thought he could buy me. The anger was so bad that he got confused and started asking me to calm down, so we don't cause a scene.

I told him I would never do it and it was not because I was righteous or a saint, but because he had no right to ask for my body like that. What the HELL? Did I look like an object or a prostitute? What did he mean by that? These were the thoughts going through my head and I kept telling him " you are a horrible person". I told him how I thought we could grow in our friendship and become more than that, but he just had to destroy everything and waste my time.

At that point, he got angry and said " who do you think you are? You think because you are a local champion here in Nigeria you can speak to me like that? You are a little girl. Do you know who I am ?"
He said way more than that to me, but I cannot remember the rest of his ramblings. One thing I remember word for word and would never forget was when he said " What is wrong with you? Do you know how many girls are begging for my attention every day? Are you the only one with a vagina! Is your Vagina gold?

I stood up and checked the distance between me and the exit so that I could run if I had to because of the response I was about to give. I looked at him and said " My Vagina is DIAMOND and you can never buy it. Not even with your life savings, no matter how much it is."

I walked straight to the door and kept going till I got to the parking lot. When I got inside my car, my driver Samuel was worried and asked me why I was angry. I told him to drive me home because I was not feeling good at all.

On the way home I started thinking deeply about this.

Are you saying that the same money we use to buy food and clothes is what he wants to use to buy my body?

Then what am I?

How am I different from the products on the window display with a price tag?

How can I ask for respect when there is a price tag on my body?

Why should I be the one to surrender my body?

Why can't I have money like him?

Don't I have the intelligence or talent to make my own money?

Why do men believe that all women want is money, and they will give up their body which is supposed to be priceless?

Did we sell ourselves for so long that it became a culture that men grew into?

Why can't I be in charge of my own body just because I want to buy THINGS?

What I didn't understand then was why men wanted to buy SEX, when they could respectfully earn it.
Please remember that this was before I became born again, and understood that premarital sex was a sin and so was adultery. I AM NOT advocating for sex outside of marriage.

As harsh and vulgar as this may sound, I have taught my daughters that the moment they get tempted to sell themselves short because of money, they automatically become those window displays with a price tag. Another thing I told them was that the moment one item is bought, the store has another one ready to be displayed and sold. That item is no longer of value to the store because they have many replacements.

The moment you give your DIAMOND to a man for money, you lose your value and in no time he will get a new one. You will become used goods.

What happens to used goods? They are either sold as second hand (used), or they are tossed out.

Don't give up your DIAMOND Please.

Keep it for the man who will work hard to earn it.

Let him put a DIAMOND RING on your finger before he can have access to your DIAMOND VAGINA.

Thursday 3 January 2019

He Almost Gave Up

Welcome to 2019! I am so glad to be back here with you- my wonderful readers. I took a long break from blogging. In fact, now that I think of it, I took the longest break in the history of any blog I know. Good news is that I am back for good.

In the course of my long break, I worked on a lot of other projects, and I also started my coaching and consulting business. One of my clients was at a point in his life where he was ready to give up on his dreams and visions because of family and friends. As ridiculous as that may sound, this has happened to a lot of people and is still happening.

Have you ever wondered why sometimes friends and family don't value your talent? They celebrate other people for doing the same thing you do, but no one gives you accolades.

Saturday 6 January 2018


Prayer to me has always been something different from what a lot of people think it should be.
Others know how to use the big words and the Christian terms that I like to call CHRISTIANESE. Some pick a special time in the day, a special place, special notepads, special sticky notes and sometimes special fragrance for their place of prayer. So they end up waiting for that particular time and place before they have their 'special prayer time'. Don't get me wrong, this is a very good practice to have because, there is a time and place for everything.

However, I am slightly different because prayer to me is a conversation with God every time and anytime, anywhere and everywhere. I speak to him and he responds in his own way.  It's a conversation which is as simple as ever because I speak from my heart to his ears.
I pray in the spirit when he takes over but other than that I just talk from my heart.