Stella Damasus

First of all you reject him in the bedroom and when he travels for work or  a retreat or seminar and he meets a lady that is willing to give it to him at any point in time ,after a long time of rejection, one day they will eventually give in to temptation.  If he is  looking for a woman that would turn his brain around and you were once that woman before you got married, why don't you continue to be that woman for him, be his personal dancer if you have to, be his dress up girl if you have to, because you were willing to do all these things when you wanted him to like you, you wanted to impress him so he can marry you. You were willing to do just about anything to get him for yourself because you knew that there was a lot of competition amongst single girls especially if the guy was worth it in the first place. Then you finally get him, he becomes your husband, you have children for him and all that dies and you don't think there's a problem? You don't think that there are a million and one girls who would do anything to get his attention. And then one day the man comes home and tells you " I want to leave for a while, I need to clear my head, or even as extreme as I want a divorce", and you don't understand the issues that he's facing.

You push him out there when you refuse him, you push him out there when you spend everyday of your life doing other things that are not half as important as the way your husband feels.  Trust me, when it comes to the point were your husband doesn't even have time to spend with you because you are either always in the church, in the kitchen, at fellowship and other places, then the floodgates of problems will be thrown open . No Pastor would even advice you to be away from your husband, they would rather tell you to spend sometime with your husband. Better still, be friends with him so that he would want to attend some of these programs with you. Be your husbands friend, have a bond with him. If not what are you coming to the house of God to pretend about when the institution that  he gave you to manage is falling apart and you are using him as an excuse.
Then the children, you give them all your attention and time. Good! As a good mother you must give your children enough attention and time but not to the point were your husband becomes an outsider. A lot of women don't realize that men start to breed resentment in their heart for their children, after a while they start to feel like they are in competition with their children because they don't get anytime at all with their wives. Eventually, some start to regret and say " before these children came along my wife was my own, they are here now, I can't touch her, I can't do anything with her, i can't even ask her to spend time with me". Some women can be paranoid, even I myself can be very paranoid when it comes to my children but at the end of the day it is important to make sure that that relationship with your husband is there.

So I've talked about rejection when it comes to physical contact with your husband,
 I've talked about using church as an excuse for women who carry church on their head and feel like they are holier than thou,
I've talked about using the children as an excuse not to spend time with their husbands.
Another point is  women just feel that when they get to a certain age, or start having kids, their look must depict that they are GRANNIES.  If you know Stella very well, you would know that I don't dress vulgar or expose my body so I'm not an advocate for indecent dressing but I'm saying you can look good as a wife in the house.
Some women do their best to look good when they are going to the office so they can impress their boss, look professional and look the part. Now the same way you have a profession that you have to dress up for, I'm sorry to tell you, but you also have a profession that you have to dress up for in your home. It doesn't mean you should wear a skirt suit or evening gown, it means that you would look good in your home because first of all you have children that would grow up  to sit and chat with their spouses or friends of how their mum used to dress well, in the house, when she's going out, on Sunday's  and they would proudly say; that's where I got my dress sense from.
 Now apart from the kids, what about  your husband? He wants to look forward to something when he's coming back home, he wants to see you on a saturday after doing the house chores or cleaning up, you've taken a bath, your smelling nice and looking good. You don't have to dress like your going out but wear something nice that he can look at and say Wow, this woman is still as beautiful as ever.

Truth is if you take your husband for granted you will loose him, emotionally, spiritually and  most of the time physically. When you feel like you have to impress people that you work with, are they more important than your husband?  I'm being honest here because sometimes we do these articles, we talk as women and it's as if we are castigating the men alone but this time I have to talk to the women because a lot of women have come with different issues, " I'm divorced,  my husband is fighting me, he's seeing someone else". Most of the time I say oh that's  not right, he shouldn't be cheating on you but the first thing I always ask is, what really happened? What has been going on? Have you been doing the things you are supposed to do as a wife? It is only when you know that you have done all you possibly can to please the man, emotionally, physically, and any other way, then you know that the man's problem is greed, but not for some women who feel that Monday to Friday is to dress well then saturday you look haggard, you spend half of the day cooking you don't even bother to take a bath, then you jump to cleaning for the remaining half of the day. If you have to do these things that day, when you are done with one, take a bath, smell and look good. I'm not saying go out of your way to wear heavy makeup and heavy jewelery, just look nice. It won't be a bad idea if one Saturday after cooking and cleaning you take a bath, smell nice, do something different with your hair, look good then your husband will ask you " honey are you going out?"  and you just tell him that you are dressing up for him to be happy. If you do that for him once in a while, dress up nicely put a nice note beside him, whisper something sweet into his ears or if your busy in the kitchen or your cleaning, you have a phone, send him a text message just to remind him that you love him. That will instantly put a smile on his face even if it's just for two seconds, the fact that you can do that and you are in the same house would make him feel special. Some men would smile and reply your text while others will actually walk to kitchen and give you a hug or tease you asking if there's something you want and you'll both laugh it off. Make him feel special.

Sometimes we make it seem like men are mean, wicked, they are all cheats. I know that some men would tell you they like variety, they can't do without having somebody but not all men are bad. If the man was a bad person, why did you marry him in the first place? You must have seen good qualities that you liked before you married him and even stayed until you started having children. Meaning that he was a good husband to you till the point that you gave him children because if he was a bad husband after the first child you would stop, but now you have 2 or 3 children, meaning that you stayed for a reason. So if you know that there was a time in your life that this man was like this, what could have changed him? His environment is what changed him,from what he sees at work, to his home, his upbringing, those things change him so no matter how he is, if his immediate family and environment is conducive then he would stay and be happy but if  it isn't, he would be uncomfortable, he might not say anything at first but with time as it gets worse, things would begin to push him away. Truth is a woman has the power to make her husband the best he can be, but its for us to learn and understand. You need to understand how a man's mind works before you open your mouth and start talking. Even when it comes to making demands, there is a way you  can make the decisions but make him feel like he made the decision. You can do things and say things but still let him know that you respect him. You cannot afford to reject him, there are something's that you used to do or that you can learn just to make him happy.  When it comes to keeping the home, we all agree that the man is the head of the house but what we need to understand is that,  the woman is the neck down, which makes her the body. You have to make sure that your head stays on your body. If you drive your head to another body, then you'll be headless, you are lost and it's painful.
I have experienced a lot of things so trust me it's not sweet to be without a head, some women like it, they enjoy their freedom but it really isn't a good thing especially when you have children. So if you know that you want to keep your home, make sure that on your own end you have done what is right by your marriage. Let it be that the issue is solely and totally from him. If you lie to  people about what caused the issue, you cannot lie to yourself and God. Don't nag, don't reject him, don't deprive him of his conjugal rights because like it or not your body doesn't belong to you alone as a married man or woman. You can't reject your partner, you cannot use your children as an excuse not to spend time with your partner, you spend all your time at work, you come home, lay on the bed and in a matter of minutes you are snoring away. You can't do that because one day he would find someone that goes to work but still has time for him  to make him feel special. Why would he then want to be with you, when there's someone out there that can make him happy, give him peace, put a smile on his face and make him feel like a real man. Everyman wants feel like a real man, loved, respected, cared for and hot, even when his potbelly is touching the floor, he wants his wife to make him feel like he's the sexiest man alive and if you signed up for that marriage and you decided of all the men this is the one you want to be with, you had better start playing your part, making sure that your marriage is as sweet as can be. Remember that as I am speaking to you out there I am also speaking to myself.

 I cant remember any time when my parents fought. I knew that as a couple they had arguments but  I always noticed something. Whenever there was tension they would go into the room and they would try to make sure we don't hear anything. By the time they come out of the room they come out teasing themselves but you don't see them exchanging words in front of us, they never did that and that's one thing that I tried to learn, that no matter how bad it is you can't start exchanging words, throwing things, hitting each other in front of your children. Thats the wrongest thing and that is why boys that grew up in homes like that believe that it is ok to hit women because their fathers are their first role models. Some mothers would tell their daughters that it is okay for men to beat their wives here in Africa but that is total nonsense. So I blame parents for the way their children turn out because if they didn't grow up seeing certain things, they wouldn't do them.

The truth of the matter is that no matter what is going on around you or in your home, as a woman you would not be happy with yourself if you wake up everyday knowing that you were partially the cause of the issues in your home. So let's be honest with ourselves as women, don't reject your husband, he owns your body too, if you don't like it then you shouldn't be a married woman. Don't nag, don't choke him, don't use your children as an excuse not to spend time with him. Don't let church events and services make you neglect your home and the responsibilities that you promised God in front of the Pastor and people that you would keep no matter what. Don't use headache as an excuse, that's over played . Don't use tiredness as an excuse, because by the time he gets used to the attention from someone else who is not too busy for him, he'll get addicted to that person because trust me, attention is addictive. So when he gets used to that and he's no longer bugging you, you begin to feel like he finally understands you and no longer disturbs you at night, think twice, someone else is giving him that attention.

So if you love your husband and your marriage, don't take him for granted. Be the woman that you are supposed to be, be that best friend he's looking for, that partner, that girlfriend, be everything he's looking for. Don't become just his mother. If he needs a dancer, a dress up girl, if he wants some that would tell him sweet things, thats your job, do it. If he likes being told that he's handsome, tell him. If he likes for you to make the move once in a while, do it. So let's stop complaining, first thing we should do is try and mend it, dress nicely for him, make him feel special, create time for him intentionally, make your end right first before you start to complain about his own. So whatever happens before you apportion blame to the man, as a woman, check yourself first, if you lie to the world you can't lie to yourself and to God.


Stella's Quote of the day : Talk to the man in the mirror and make that change.