Prayer to me has always been something different from what a lot of people think it should be.
Others know how to use the big words and the Christian terms that I like to call CHRISTIANESE. Some pick a special time in the day, a special place, special notepads, special sticky notes and sometimes special fragrance for their place of prayer. So they end up waiting for that particular time and place before they have their 'special prayer time'. Don't get me wrong, this is a very good practice to have because, there is a time and place for everything.
However, I am slightly different because prayer to me is a conversation with God every time and anytime, anywhere and everywhere. I speak to him and he responds in his own way. It's a conversation which is as simple as ever because I speak from my heart to his ears.
I pray in the spirit when he takes over but other than that I just talk from my heart.
In recent times, it became difficult for me to even say much because I didn't know where to start or what to say. As a result, I decided to start writing my thoughts and prayers to him and as I do that, the Holy Spirit would take over my hands and begin to write his response to me. At first, it was spooky but then I understood that God could choose any medium to speak to anyone. The response didn't come all the time but I continued to write my prayers to him.
Sometimes, I would look at the prayers and laugh at myself, and at other times I would cry or smile.
I loved the effect those prayers had on me and I was amazed at the response my hands wrote through the leading of the Holy Spirit, to comfort and reassure me. This birthed an idea in my head which was to write them as letters to my Heavenly Father which I call the 'HEY DAD SERIES'.
They are my personal thoughts and prayers, so I have guarded them carefully, but today I have chosen to share one of my letters with you. It might inspire or comfort someone out there.
It might bless and reassure others too
Thank you for another year that you let me see.
Thank you for counting me worthy of another chance to get it right.
To be honest Father, I have too many questions that only you can answer.
Sometimes, confusion and worry take control of me even though I try to fight it.
Sometimes, I am wondering why my plans fell short
Sometimes, I am not fulfilled as I did not accomplish all I thought I would.
Sometimes, it's hard to keep going when reality stares me in the face.
Sometimes I wonder if my loyalty means anything at all
Sometimes I admit I look for the applause for what I do
Sometimes I admit it hurts when it seems to make no difference
Sometimes I wonder if you even notice my efforts
Sometimes I feel rejected and abandoned
Sometimes I don't feel you near
Sometimes I wonder why you announce and celebrate others more than me
Sometimes I step out of your house crying and tapping my toes rapidly on the floor, waiting for you to explain all this and more.
Then when you meet me outside, I expect you to scold me for even getting angry with you.
Even when I refuse to come, you still smile and ask me "why are you so angry?
Why have you left the house of grace and mercy?
Why are you out in the cold?".
The selfish me says "but you abandoned me, you care for others more than me,
You celebrate others more than me,
You don't seem to acknowledge all I do to make you proud,
You bless others and forget that I am here."
To my amazement, you laugh and say "my princess, when will you grow up to see that I don't need to give you anything?
When will you grow up to see that I don't have to celebrate you?
When will you grow up to know that I don't need to applaud you?
Don't you realize that everything I own is yours?
Can't you see that you are the one who is the blessing that I want to give others?
Don't you realize that you are the princess in my palace?
Should I treat you like a guest in your own home?
Shouldn't you be the one to welcome and celebrate guests on my behalf?
Shouldn't you be the one showing mercy and giving out favors?
Why do you act like a stranger in your father's' home?
Are children supposed to get angry just because their fathers don't remind them that they are his children?
Don't they know who they are already?
Do children need to beg their fathers to feed them?
I am sorry for accusing you
I am sorry for getting angry and blaming you
I am sorry for my ingratitude
I am sorry for being envious
I am sorry for not acknowledging who I am
I am sorry for acting like a stranger
I am sorry for leaving the house
Forgive me, Father, have mercy on me.
Thank you for never giving up on me
Thank you for giving me another chance
Thank you for loving me unconditionally
Thank you for being a GOOD FATHER
Thank you for making me a channel of blessing
And thank you for keeping me to see this new month.
GRATEFUL is what I am
From your princess,
STELLA OBIAGELI DAMASUS
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