Thursday, 30 November 2017

STRIPPING MYSELF NAKED

I wrote a blog a while ago called DATING MY ABUSER, and was shocked at the number of women who sent emails talking about the abuse they had faced. My heart was so heavy as I realized how bad things have gotten and how silent we have been over the years. One woman’s email really touched my heart and that is why I decided to share another experience.
Stripping myself naked in front of the world is not an easy thing to do, but when my experience encourages, heals and informs others, then it is the right thing to do.

I remember one day in 2009, I had just signed a contract with a new management company and they sent their marketing manager to take pictures of me so that they could build a press kit and other materials for work.
The man I was dating at the time was in my house for a visit, and we were both in the living room when the marketing manager came in. As he entered we exchanged pleasantries and I introduced him to my boyfriend who gave him the most arrogant and disgusting look ever.  The marketing manager brought out his hand to shake him but my boyfriend walked away and didn't even acknowledge his presence.
I apologized to the guy who was really shocked as he was sure they had never met. He was so confused and had to ask me if he did something wrong.  I was highly embarrassed but had to quickly change the subject as usual.
I say as usual because it was becoming a trend with my boyfriend.
I knew how arrogant my boyfriend could be but I didn't think it would be that bad.

Anyway, I went upstairs to meet the glam squad in my dressing room so they could do their magic. When I was done, I got dressed and foolishly went to my boyfriend in the other room so he could see how beautiful I looked and maybe get a compliment. Instead, he looked at me and started calling me all sorts of names. I cannot even begin to mention the names I was called.
Now, you may read this and wonder why he would call me names without provocation. That is how the mind of an abuser works. They don’t need provocation to abuse you. They just want to show and boost their power over you.
To those who have never experienced emotional and mental abuse, this is absurd.

At this point, I was used to hearing those names but for some reason, I still could not end the relationship. On different occasions, I had tried to end it but I was not psychologically strong enough.

This sounds strange coming from someone like me who is bold and fearless right? It may shock you to know that when men like that come into your life, they study your strengths and weaknesses. Then they begin to attack your weaknesses and make you even more vulnerable. The next thing they do is to systematically isolate you from those who are supposed to be your support system. At that time you will not even notice what he is doing because you will begin to think he cares for you more than anyone else.
He had already messed with my mind. I felt helpless and small.
I had the courage to ask him what I had done wrong and you would not believe the answer I got.
He said "you guys think I am stupid, why would you ask them to send a guy who looks like that to you. Don't they have women who work for them?".
I told him I had no control over who they send or who they employ.
He responded by saying, "it's your house so if you have any respect for me you would have made sure it was not a guy who speaks with a nice accent, dresses well and is cute; coming to your house. What if I was not here? You were already smiling like a fool even though I was right there.
What would have happened if I was not here?”

At that point, I knew that there was nothing more to say.
As I made to leave he grabbed my arm and forced me to sit down. The insults came rushing through my ears as I sat and cried.
I messed up everything the glam squad had done.
To avoid embarrassment and gossip I went to the guest room and asked the children's nanny to let the glam squad go. They were paid and they left.
I went back and tried to fix what was left of my make up, went downstairs to do the photoshoot and as soon as I was done, I made the marketing manager and his team leave.

When I went back upstairs, my boyfriend was waiting to continue the insults. At this point, I knew I had to be strong. So, I told him that if he felt he was too good for me, he should get the HELL OUT OF MY HOUSE.
He didn’t believe how serious I was until I started yelling.
He threatened to hit me and I told him he would spend the rest of his life in Jail and I would spend all my money making sure he was tortured every day.
He looked me in the eye and saw how serious I was. That was when he knelt down and started begging.
He apologized and said he didn’t know what came over him and that he needed help. I looked away but he continued and told me how everyone else had given up on trying to help him.

Blah blah blah blah he continued.

You would think that after all this I would end it once and for all but unfortunately, I took him back.
Before you start passing judgment, remember that when your weakness is attacked and your support system is not there anymore, you feel alone and helpless. It’s not a choice you willingly make, it is as a result of the psychological abuse. There are very very few women who go through this and come out sane.
Imagine being with someone who constantly makes you feel less than you are. Who puts all the negative stuff in your face and starts to make you look at yourself differently. After a while, you begin to believe his lies and doubt your truth.

That was when I realized that domestic abuse is not just physical. It is also mental and psychological which are worse sometimes. With the physical you know where the bruises are and can treat them. Unfortunately, with the mental, you become a slave to your own mind which is controlled by the abuser. He makes it seem like it's your fault and at the same time makes you feel he needs you.

No one knows what you are going through because they don't see the scars. Even when you tell them, they trivialize it because you can't show proof. So you suffer in silence and pain. When you discuss it with people who you believe can help, the first question they ask you is "why don't you just leave him?".
Friends and family who are not qualified psychologists and therapists are not equipped to handle mental and psychological abuse.

It took me a while to discover a few psychologists in Nigeria, but they don’t get many clients because mental therapy is not an AFRICAN thing.
WRONG!
We need it now more than ever before.

A lot of women go through this every day and even when they come out of the relationship, they don’t see the need to go to counseling or therapy that can help them heal. So, they end up dating the same kind of man because that is what their mental state recognizes.
They fall for men who would control them again not because they are stupid but because that is what their minds are familiar with.

16 Days in a year is not enough to advocate for domestic violence.
We need to do this all year round and record the progress we are making.
We need to let women especially the African woman know what her rights are and that she has a right to report cases like this.
She needs to know that she has a support system who will help her through the pain and hurt she is left with.
We need to make sure that the law is enforced on the abusers.
We need to educate women and let them know that a man has NO right to hit them just because he is their husband.
We need to help the women educate their daughters as well.
We need to reach out to the community leaders and make them see why they should help put an end to this.

SAY NO TO DOMESTIC VIOLENCE. Lend your voices and support the organizations who fight for the cause.

Thursday, 5 October 2017

STELLA, DUMB IT DOWN!

"Stella, you are still single because you have raised your bar too high, you have set high expectations. You cannot afford to be too intelligent or knowledgeable because men don't like it. At the dinner table, you made him feel like you knew more than he did as regards social justice. Even if he didn't say it, I am sure he felt that way because he didn't ask for another date. Why do you keep doing this to yourself? It is a man's world, so in order to get hooked quickly, you need to DUMB IT DOWN"

Friday, 11 August 2017

(WARNING 18+) WHY YOUR CHILD COULD BE WATCHING PORN! 18+ (GRAPHIC IMAGES)

DISCLAIMER: NONE OF THE IMAGES OR LOGOS IN THIS POST ARE AFFILIATED WITH THE ORIGINAL CREATORS OF THESE CARTOONS. THESE ARE PARODY IMAGES WHICH WERE AVAILABLE ONLINE FOR USE WITHOUT PERMISSION.

Hey lovelies, how have you all been?

I know you haven’t heard from me in a while and I apologize. I have been so busy working on different projects that I can’t wait to share with you, but before I do, I thought I should share something else I saw a few days ago instead.

So, my sisters and I have a group on WhatsApp, and a few days ago I received the shocker of my life when one of my sisters sent the image below to warn us (GRAPHIC IMAGE) 

Thursday, 20 April 2017

EXCUSE MY AFRICAN


Ooops!
I did it again.

So I forgot to tell you all that I was approached by TEAKISI.COM to write an article for them. You can actually check out my profile on the website.


The great news is that my first article has just been published and I am already receiving messages, questions and meeting requests because of it.
I wanted to share it with you, so that my dear supportive and loyal readers will not be left out.
 

It's called EXCUSE MY AFRICAN.
 

As an African girl who lives abroad, I have had a lot of experiences that made me realize that life is not what it seems. I actually thought that it would be easy for me to introduce myself as an African and it will be understood and accepted. Little did I know that to the foreigners, there is only one type of African and unfortunately, I am not that. 
 

Click on this link https://shar.es/1FmHCi to read the full article. 

Don't forget to Share, Comment and Subscribe!

Thursday, 16 March 2017

BEADS AND BRAIDS

"In the spirit of the celebration of women, I want you to meet an amazing and inspiring AFRICAN woman Nneka. She contacted me and was wondering if I would profile her project. When she sent it to me I was blown away and reminded of the fact that no one can fully understand the beauty, strength and magic of the BLACK GIRL
ENJOY this article and the vibrant pictures"- Stella Damasus

Thursday, 16 February 2017

TO PROTECT AND SERVE

 I was watching an episode of my favorite television series LAW AND ORDER (SVU) one evening and it took my mind to a million places. The episode was about a mentally unstable man who decided to start killing cops. Some police officers watched their partners get shot in the head right in front of their eyes and couldn't do anything about it. They couldn't even find the shooter, which made some of them decide to quit. According to one of them "I would rather be a coward on the beach in Florida than become a dead cop".
The part that really struck me was the speech given to the officers in their precinct by their lieutenant, telling them that even though many people hate cops, and want them dead, they should never forget that their job is to protect and serve these same people. The speech ended with "please try and come back alive". 


Thursday, 19 January 2017

GET OVER IT!

I was reading a magazine recently and stumbled on a story that caught my attention.
People who know me very well can tell you that when there is something about women and children, my interest is always heightened. 

So, there I was reading about a protest that was organized by parents of a middle school here in America. This protest was born out of the complaints of the students who felt their rights were being violated, and the school authorities did not care too much about them.
This got me charged up already because I do not tolerate injustice especially when children are involved. I continued to read this article only to find out that the problem was with the kind of food and drinks they were serving them.

Thursday, 5 January 2017

WOMAN, I CHALLENGE YOU!

I sat down in my living room flipping through pages of a big history book just to make myself feel a little more intelligent. People who know me have come to realize that I love to read, not just to get information but also to expose my mind.
 

Anyway back to the history book I was reading.
I got to a chapter that said "TEST YOUR KNOWLEDGE ON THE AMAZON QUEEN MYTHOLOGY". Trust that I took the test believing that I could at least score up to 50%. To my greatest shock I didn't even score up to 30% percent. There were too many names, stories and history that I  did not know of. 

So, I decided to read the full chapter and found the story to be extremely interesting. This may not be a big deal to some people but it is a big deal for me to know these stories, whether real or mythical. 
Let me share a little bit of what I discovered and I hope you will find it interesting.